Day 1 of unemployment, I wake full of ideas. I jump out of bed and head downstairs and start listing all the great things I’m going to do today. I’m going to take the dog for a walk, I’m going to google some celebrity gossip, check out the ole pinterest boards and see what kind of DIY bullshit they’re selling, clean the bathroom, reorganize the cabinets, clean out the closets, hell, I might even start my pyramid scheme today (oh BTW… I’m considering starting a pyramid scheme, but not to be smarmy, just to get rich fast without having to do any real or hard work). Yes, I’ve got lots to keep me busy. But first, an incoming call from my Dad. Weird. We don’t speak often and when we do he mostly he just tells me to save for retirement and get checked for diabetes. Solid fatherly advice. Today he just wants to check in on me and tell me not to do anything stupid like try to be a dog taxi or write jokey stuff for the internet, and not to rest on my laurels. Bottomline, get back to work. Okay, great, got it. Thanks Bob.
Okay back to the list, I take the dog out, but it’s raining. He doesn’t like the rain. He wants to go back in. I throw in some laundry and clean the bathroom, but the dog is following me, moping. He hates housework. He likes blanket forts and head rubs, and being hand fed snacks. Fine, I give in and after I make us both some lunch we hit the living room to snuggle in and start cleaning out my Netflix My List. We are both wedged into my recliner, we don’t fit. He doesn’t care. He’s forcing himself into the chair with me. While he snores and farts, I catch up on some episodes of ‘Shameless’. A few hours slips by, and I’m feeling pretty good because at least I ain’t one of those Gallaghers! I head to the kitchen to start dinner, hooray for Taco Tuesday, but first, I take this handsome sleepy little beast outside, the weather has cleared up and it’s almost sunny. He’s sniffing around while I pick through the garden. Oh, this raised garden bed. Another Pinterest idea that did not turn out as expected! But that’s a story for another time. I find a ball in the yard and throw it to the dog, he skips after it and I go back to picking my horticultural delights, 8 oddly shaped green beans, praise be to Priapus! As I stand admiring my bounty, I hear the dog barking, but where? Where is it coming from? The backyard? Not my backyard, but the neighbors. Damnit Ace! I start heading down there and as I approach the hole in the fence he has so skillfully slipped through I see it. It’s a great big furry rodent of some sort! And it’s in my dog’s mouth being shaken side to side. I don’t even recognize my own screams. I bust through the fence, what the hell do I think I’m going to do? I’m panicked, I’m screaming, I DEMAND the dog let that gopher go and get back in our yard! Ace wants this thing dead. He needs this, he needs to brag to the other dogs at the park about his prowess. He is a protector, a vicious killer, a beast amongst beasts, but I’m still screaming at him, so he reluctantly opens his mouth and let’s the thing go. He has heard my commands and starts heading towards me, and I’ll be damned, that GIANT GROUNDHOG is hissing and coming at us both. I pick up a stick, the dog runs right back and resumes the fight. I don’t know how I got the dog and myself out of there but after what felt like hours of screaming and stick poking, we are both heading back to our yard, while the groundhog makes his escape behind the neighbor’s shed. I look the dog over, there is blood. Oh god, THERE IS BLOOD! Is the dog okay? I’m about to start screaming for a vet, but I don’t. Mostly because I know there is not a vet in the neighborhood and because no one else is outside. My finger is throbbing,my knee is scraped, but I’m okay, I am not bleeding, that’s not my blood. SHIT! There is blood! We make it back into the kitchen and I pick the dog up frightened by what I’m going to find, I start cleaning the bloody area…yeah, that wasn’t his blood. I am both relieved and disgusted. The dog is fine. I on the other hand, may have shit my pants. And I swear that groundhog was outside the front window with a baseball bat singing ‘ Warriors! Come out and play-ee-ayyy!” FAHK! Marden Gardens on lockdown until tomorrow.
I make the tacos, and head back to Netflix. Ugh! I still haven’t switched that laundry. Unemploymenting is hard! So much for day one!